PATRICK CRIBBEN

Overview

A dark stage. MAN 1, wearing a headset with earphones and a microphone and carrying a lighted clipboard, walks into the playing area jotting notes. At the edge of the playing area, he turns on one or two simple parabola lights, creating a kind of spot light on the stage. He steps back into the light. Pauses. Looks up.

He makes a sudden, strange clock-starting gesture, extending his arm and making a large revolution, like a football referee.

He walks out into the audience area, taking his place near the back. After several seconds, MAN 2 wanders haltingly into the space.

MAN 2
Excuse me, am I in the right place?

MAN 1
Step right in.

MAN 2
This is it, then?

MAN 1
That's correct.

Several seconds of awkward silence.

MAN 2
Is there something in particular you'd like me to, you know, do?

MAN 1
You're doing fine.

MAN 2
Is it all right if I move around a little?

MAN 1
I'm sorry, what?

MAN 2
Is it all right if I move?

MAN 1
Hang on.

MAN 1 mutters unintelligibly into the microphone on his headset, as if in conversation with somebody.

MAN 1
Just stay in the light.

MAN 2
In the light?

MAN 1
In the lighted area.

MAN 2
Yes, of course. Thank you.

MAN 1
Nooo problem.

MAN 2
Excuse me. Where should I be looking?

MAN 1
How's that?

MAN 2
I say, where should I look. I mean, does it matter where I'm looking.

MAN 1
I don't follow.

MAN 2
I just, you know I don't want to be looking the wrong way, I mean, that is, if there is a right way . . . that I should be . . . looking.

MAN 1
Hang on.

MAN 1 mutters unintelligibly into his microphone.

MAN 1
Out.

MAN 2
Pardon?

MAN 1
Out.

MAN 2
Out?

MAN 1
Yes. Looking out.

MAN 2
Oh, Out!. Yes, I see. Thank you.

MAN 2
Do you expect this to take very long?

MAN 1
I 'm sorry, what?

MAN 2
Does this normally take, you know, a long time?

MAN 1
Normally?

MAN 2
Yes, what's, you know, customary?

MAN 1
Hang on.

MAN 1 mutters unintelligibly into his microphone.

MAN 1
They say you're moving around too much.

MAN 2
I'm sorry, I thought moving was all right.

MAN 1
They say it's too much.

MAN 2
Well, then, how much can I move.

MAN 1
Hang on.

MAN 1 mutters unintelligibly into his microphone.

MAN 1
Less.

MAN 2
Do you think it might be possible to have a chair?

MAN 1
No chairs.

MAN 1
We have a stool, I think.

MAN 2
Ah. A stool, then. I'd be very grateful.

MAN 1
Hang on.

MAN 1 mutters unintelligibly into his microphone.

MAN 1
No stool.

MAN 2
Sorry?

MAN 1
No stool.

MAN 2
Oh, really? Okay, then. It's just rather awkward, you know?

MAN 1
You're moving too much again.

MAN 2
Yes, of course. Look, I might not move so much if I had a chair, or something.

MAN 1
No chairs.

MAN 2
Yes, I understand that but . . .

MAN 1
Hang on.

MAN 1 mutters unintelligibly into his microphone.

MAN 1
They want you to take a step back.

MAN 2
A step back. Okay then, like that? How's that?

MAN 1
That's fine.

MAN 2
You sure there isn't something I can, I don't know, do?

MAN 1
Hang on.

MAN 1 mutters unintelligibly into his microphone.

MAN 1
Be yourself.

MAN 2
Myself. Yes, of course.

Several seconds of silence while MAN 2 tries tries to behave like himself.

MAN 1
They want you to stop all of that.

MAN 2
What?

MAN 1
They don't like any of that.

MAN 2
I'm sorry, I was just trying to be, you now, natural, or something.

MAN 1 (abruptly)
HOLD STILL!

Startled, MAN 2 freezes up as best he can.

MAN 1
Hold absolutely still.

MAN 1 moves into the lighted area and carefully places a child's party hat on MAN 2's head. MAN 1 returns to the back of the audience.

Pause.

MAN 2
You're sure this is standard procedure then?

MAN 1
Hold it.

MAN 1 approaches again. He removes the party hat and places a set of Groucho glasses on MAN 2's face. He returns to the back of the room.

MAN 2
Is this part . . . absolutely necessary?

MAN 1
Hold it.

MAN 1 approaches again. He moves MAN 2's arms into a new position. He steps back. He steps in again, removes MAN 2's Groucho glasses and puts them on himself. He steps back and peers very long and hard at MAN 1, removes the Groucho glasses and drifts back to the back of the room.

MAN 2
Look, I have to confess, I'm beginning to wonder about this. I mean, I'm not sure I . . . I don't quite—

MAN 1
Hang on.

MAN 1 mutters unintelligibly into his microphone.

MAN 1
They say you can relax.

MAN 2 unfreezes himself.

MAN 2
Look, you've all been very . . . um . . . very professional and everything, and I appreciate that. I do. But maybe this wasn't really meant to be.

MAN 1
How's that?

MAN 2
Well, I mean, I just don't feel, you know, right about this. This is all, well it's all a little peculiar, wouldn't you say?

MAN 1
HA!

MAN 2
Look, I don't know how to put this exactly, but maybe . . . maybe I'm just not exactly what you're looking for . . . Just exactly what are you . . . looking for . . . by the way?

MAN 1
Hang on.

MAN 1 mutters unintelligibly into his microphone.

MAN 1
They like that.

MAN 2
What.

MAN 1
What you were just doing.

MAN 2 (rather pleased)
Really? (pause) Um, what, specifically, were they referring—

MAN 1 (interrupting)
Yes, they like it very much.

MAN 2
Well, then, that's—

MAN 1
They'd like you to do it again.

MAN 2
Oh, terrific. That's really, I don't know, flattering, I guess. But you see I'm unclear about just what it was they, you know . . . liked so much.

MAN 1
Unclear?

MAN 2
Yes, unclear, uncertain.

MAN 1
Hang on.

MAN 1 mutters unintelligibly into his microphone.

MAN 1
Okay. You can go now.

MAN 2
Really? Because, well . . . I thought they want to see the, you know, the part that they . . . that they . . . liked.

MAN 1
No, You're free to go.

MAN 2
Well, okay then. So that's it?

MAN 1
That's it.

MAN 2
Well, thank you very much for your time. And, well, okay then.

MAN 1
Okay.

MAN 2
Okay.

MAN 2 walks out of the circle of light but steps back in in a few seconds.

MAN 2
I'm sorry, they didn't say anything about, you know, how it went, I mean, over all, did they?

MAN 1
Not at this time, no.

MAN 2
Yes, of course. Well, thank you again.

MAN 2 walks out of the light but comes back again in a few seconds.

MAN 2
Because I felt that I could possibly do a little more, if they, I mean if they were inclined to—

MAN 1 (interrupting)
No, thank you.

MAN 2
All right, then. Sorry to trouble you. And thanks again.

MAN 2 walks out but walks back in right away.

MAN 2
All right look, I'm sorry. I really shouldn't do this, I know, but I just, I don't feel like you really got, you know, my best. And so I though if

MAN 1 (interrupting)
Best?

MAN 2
Excuse me?

MAN 1
What best?

MAN 2
Well, you know, my best, my best presentation of . . . of . . . of whatever it is you're looking for, and which I must say, I am reasonably sure I posses in some considerable quantity, if I only had an opportunity to demonstrate. You see, I'm afraid I've rather blown it here today, or not blown it exactly, but, somehow, because of my own, I don't know, my own, well, my own something-or-other I have not altogether lived up to what you might call expectations. But I believe that, given, you know, another chance, as it were, a reprieve, or what have you, I could very well meet or indeed even exceed those expectations . . . If I may be so bold.

MAN 1 approaches MAN 2, circles him, peering at him. He pauses, puts on the Groucho glasses and peers at MAN 2 intently.

MAN 1
Hang on.

MAN 1 mutter unintelligibly into his microphone, then—

MAN 1
You can come back tomorrow.

MAN 2 (very pleased)
Really? Tomorrow. Well, that's . . . that's . . . Yes, well, tomorrow. Okay. Thank you, really, very much for all your help. And tomorrow it is then.

MAN 2 starts to exit.

MAN 1
Tomorrow.

MAN 2 comes back into the playing area.

MAN 2
That's very fine really. Okay. Tomorrow.

MAN 2 starts to exit.

MAN 1
Tomorrow.

MAN 2 comes partly back into the playing area.

MAN 2
Yes, thank you then.

MAN 2 starts to exit.

MAN 1
Tomorrow.

MAN 2 is caught between exiting and re-entering.

MAN 2
Right . . . tomorrow . . . Right.

MAN 2 exits. MAN 1 walks back into the lighted area. After a pause, he repeats the clock-starting gesture from the beginning of the play, douses the lights, and douses the light on his clipboard.

END  

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